thoughts

The Old Amelia can’t come to the phone right now. Why?

Oh, because she’s dead.

It’s been a long month. I keep pulling “Journey” from my Wildwood deck which is the card that correlates with Death in the Ryder-Waite decks.

I’ve never been afraid of death. Blame it on my religious upbringing where if I was good then I got to live forever. With parents who (bless them) told me on a daily basis, I was good, strong and smart I never worried about living forever. It was just something that was going to happen. It’s something I still believe.

What I am afraid of is being dead while everyone else around me is alive.

My current favorite character is Laura Moon from American Gods

I love the title “dead wife”. I love the idea that she died and was able to get this new life. Reset. Restart.

I’ve done that enough times to know that’s it’s neither easy nor straight forward.  When Laura finds herself drawn back to her family even after she says “fuck them” I saw myself. I’m lucky to have a pretty decent relationship across the board with my siblings and parents. I don’t have a great relationship with my past. No matter how often I tell myself that it’s ok that I’m moving forward I feel bad every time I leave someone behind.

I pulled Journey again today in my October post. I have to allow things to die in order to become who I want to be. Like the leaves I can go in a burst of color but I need to shed this old self and go through this winter to become.

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